Ancora Imparo

I turn to my side and open my eyes slowly as the daylight seeps in through the cracks of the room's blinds. Half asleep, I pace my way to the kitchen to make myself breakfast. I cut the onions, peppers, and cilantro, scramble the eggs, and cook the chorizo for something on-the-go. I'm already late enough as it is.

Outside, I run a block past my temporary apartment to West Cliff and look at the Pacific in all of its majesty. The seagulls are crowded around the reef in gossip. As the wind scalps the white off of these waves, a seagull skims by the surf and catches a fish in its mouth, flying west towards the shore. I walk down to the water and catch seaweed in between my toes. I find a cozy spot on the reef and start leafing through my book, when I spot a couple walking a long the shore. I can't help but feel jealous.

Its almost 4 in the afternoon, and I am getting coffee and lunch downtown. After my meal, I refill my drink and get a to-go box for my leftovers. It doesn't take very long for me to find someone less fortunate than myself to give my food too. After making brief conversation, she asks what I'm listening to on my iPod.

"The Smiths. I've been really getting into them lately. Morrissey and Johnny Mar are amazing."

"Yeah?! I LOVE the Smiths! Met them awhile back, really nice guys. Don't believe the newspapers, they are all homosexuals."

I get back to the apartment around 8 in the afternoon and get some more reading done. I check my phone and have no missed calls from my mom or dad, and all of a sudden I am really depressed. 

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you died today? What if you got caught in the ocean's undertow and get swept off into the Pacific? Or what if you meet the headlights of a drunk driver tonight? Do you ever wonder who would come to your funeral? I think of this all the time, not because I am a depressive person or that I'm fascinated with death, but because I believe this is the true measure of how much of an impact you have made in the world. I believe that if I were to die today, I would have a lot of people attend my funeral. However, what hurts so much is knowing that not one person in the crowd would love me. I have a ton of people's friendships and a lot of people's respect, but I would trade that in for a handful of people who actually had love for me.

This holiday season, if you don't get a brand new car or that fucking North Face jacket that you wanted, most of you should still be thankful because you have a HOME to go home to where people welcome you in with loving arms. I have a place to live, but I still can relate to the dozens of people that sleep on Pacific Street in Santa Cruz: I have nowhere to call a home. 

Its close to 10 at night, and I am cooking dinner for my imaginary family. Afterwards, I put in a movie and make room next to me for my imaginary brother to set in next to me. Its getting late, so after a while I clean the dishes and head off to bed. Still, I'm really happy: ANCORA IMPARO. When I have the opportunity to be a husband and a father, I'm gonna make sure my unborn sons and daughters don't EVER have to spend the holidays by themselves.