Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Ancora Imparo

I turn to my side and open my eyes slowly as the daylight seeps in through the cracks of the room's blinds. Half asleep, I pace my way to the kitchen to make myself breakfast. I cut the onions, peppers, and cilantro, scramble the eggs, and cook the chorizo for something on-the-go. I'm already late enough as it is.

Outside, I run a block past my temporary apartment to West Cliff and look at the Pacific in all of its majesty. The seagulls are crowded around the reef in gossip. As the wind scalps the white off of these waves, a seagull skims by the surf and catches a fish in its mouth, flying west towards the shore. I walk down to the water and catch seaweed in between my toes. I find a cozy spot on the reef and start leafing through my book, when I spot a couple walking a long the shore. I can't help but feel jealous.

Its almost 4 in the afternoon, and I am getting coffee and lunch downtown. After my meal, I refill my drink and get a to-go box for my leftovers. It doesn't take very long for me to find someone less fortunate than myself to give my food too. After making brief conversation, she asks what I'm listening to on my iPod.

"The Smiths. I've been really getting into them lately. Morrissey and Johnny Mar are amazing."

"Yeah?! I LOVE the Smiths! Met them awhile back, really nice guys. Don't believe the newspapers, they are all homosexuals."

I get back to the apartment around 8 in the afternoon and get some more reading done. I check my phone and have no missed calls from my mom or dad, and all of a sudden I am really depressed. 

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you died today? What if you got caught in the ocean's undertow and get swept off into the Pacific? Or what if you meet the headlights of a drunk driver tonight? Do you ever wonder who would come to your funeral? I think of this all the time, not because I am a depressive person or that I'm fascinated with death, but because I believe this is the true measure of how much of an impact you have made in the world. I believe that if I were to die today, I would have a lot of people attend my funeral. However, what hurts so much is knowing that not one person in the crowd would love me. I have a ton of people's friendships and a lot of people's respect, but I would trade that in for a handful of people who actually had love for me.

This holiday season, if you don't get a brand new car or that fucking North Face jacket that you wanted, most of you should still be thankful because you have a HOME to go home to where people welcome you in with loving arms. I have a place to live, but I still can relate to the dozens of people that sleep on Pacific Street in Santa Cruz: I have nowhere to call a home. 

Its close to 10 at night, and I am cooking dinner for my imaginary family. Afterwards, I put in a movie and make room next to me for my imaginary brother to set in next to me. Its getting late, so after a while I clean the dishes and head off to bed. Still, I'm really happy: ANCORA IMPARO. When I have the opportunity to be a husband and a father, I'm gonna make sure my unborn sons and daughters don't EVER have to spend the holidays by themselves.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

hmmmmmmmm

Why do so many people think cockiness is such a sin??? Personally, I think its more sinful to be humble to people, especially when you don't really mean it. Its better to tell someone that you are better than them as opposed to making them think that they are on the same level as you. Where I come from, cockiness isn't boastful but is just self-realization/self-pride.

I'm a perfectionist, and that throws a lot of people off. I don't get a kick out of being the best, I think its just that I raised the bar to the highest it could go and want to always reach or exceed it. If I'm not the best now at something, give me a week or two and I will be. We are not the same. 

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Last year, at the beginning of fall quarter, I had a hate crime/bias incident happen to one of my residents. It was definitely an eye opener for a lot of my residents and members in my community. I distinctly remember one of my residents coming up to me the next day and asking, "I thought UC Santa Cruz was a really liberal and progressive school....do things like last night happen around here a lot?"

Unfortunately, they do, and they happen a lot more frequently than people would expect. Few people know about all of the hate messages left in dorm bathroom stalls, or about how the College Republicans at UCSC held an "Illegal Immigrant Dodgeball" game at OPERS a year ago....more so, many people (on our campus) cannot relate to the everyday struggles and obstacles that ethnic/sexual/gender/class/religious/able minorities face on a day-to-day basis in a university setting. 




A perfect example would be my own experience's today.


This quarter, I was in enrolled in a certain upper-division economics class where the professor was extremely ignorant. He would make complete off-the-wall comments during his lectures, such as going up to a random Filipino student during the middle of lecture and asking him, "Hey, are you from San Francisco?" Throughout the class, we had a handful of exams (midterms and quizzes). I would always sit in class next to one of my friends, who so happens to be black. Although I am half white and half Filipino, alot of people confuse me with being latino. The class demographic is nearly 95% white or asian.

Now that the setting is established, let me highlight why my professor is an asshole and has racially profiled myself and my friend: EVERY exam, whether it be a midterm or quiz, he stares directly at both of us in a way and length that would make anyone really uncomfortable. During our midterms, he would literally walk into the aisle right next to us and stay for long periods of time (approx. 3-5 minutes) and then walk back to his seat in the front of the class to read. Once, during our first midterm, he specifically pulled my friend out of the aisle to go over his notes and make sure they were "legal" (the exams in the class are all open note). 

Today, we had our final exam, and both myself and my friend, as usual, were sitting next to each other. Both of us are working hard until, 30 minutes into the exam, the professor walks up to us, snaps his fingers, points and me, and points for me to sit on the other side of the class. 

Midway through the exam, when most of the students have left, I walked back into the classroom to talk about what happened. I went up to my professor and asked him, "Excuse me, but is there any real reason why you moved me to the other side of the class during our exam?". He then asked for my name, and I told him that I wouldn't feel safe giving him my name because I feel that he biased towards me and would mark down my score on the exam. He then seemed a little pissed off and was very reluctant to talk to me anymore.

Some may think I am overanalyzing this or that I am "making a mountain out of a mole hill"...this is straight up bullshit, since (1) There are 127 students in this class, (2) Of the 127 students, I would estimate that 14-18 would not identify as white or asian, (3) seeing how my friend is the only black male in the class and I am one of 6-7 brown males in the class, the odds of my professor singling us out on one occasion is extremely low, (4) the odds of my professor singling both of us out on MULTIPLE occasions is even lower, (5) there is no reason to suspect myself and my friend of cheating; both of our tests always have semi-drastically different scores, we both have a full set of notes that we use during the test, and we both keep our eyes on our papers, especially compared to other students in the class, and (6) my professor wouldn't tell me his reasons for switching my seat during the final.

These are things that happen on a day-to-day basis at UC Santa Cruz, one of the most liberal, progressive universities in the world. Imagine the things that go on in other university settings! Its really important for students in university settings, whether a minority, ally, or a decent human being, to become educated and have the balls to stand up to shit like what happened today. I had other shit to do, but I waited 30 minutes in the cold so I could chew my professor out and give him a piece of my mind. If shit like this, no matter how trivial it is, goes unopposed, the cycle of oppression is just going to keep going round n' round.




Worst comes to worst, he will never guess my name, since I have the least minority-sounding name in the history of the world.