Michael "The Spike" Osorio Appreciation Day

With the 4th of July coming up and me having a three-day week, I took some time to reflect on the meanings and importance of holidays. After thinking for some time, I realized that almost all holidays have something in common: they are a way to show appreciation and celebrate the greatness of someone or something. We celebrate the 4th of July for the founding of our great nation. We celebrate Memorial Day to remember the courageous men and women who have died while serving our country. We even celebrate father's day to show appreciation for (most of) our dads.

So keeping all of this in mind, wouldn't it be great to CREATE your own holiday? Even though I'm the most amazing person ever, it would be pretty damn pompous of me to create a holiday in honor of myself...thats kind of in the same vein of throwing a birthday party for myself. So since I'm out of the picture, who would be the 2nd best person to have a holiday in his/her honor?

Michael "The Spike" Osorio.

Before I go any further, let me clarify that the purpose of Michael "The Spike" Osorio Appreciation Day IS NOT to envy Michael "The Spike Osorio". Hell, that chimp doesn't have anything on me except for the fact that he is a A-List member with Express and I'm not (but when I buy my next pair of work slacks I will be. Watch your back, Michael, we are getting our discount coupons on the same day now). I do not envy Michael "The Spike" Osorio, but I appreciate him and want to celebrate the impact he has made on my life.

Many of you reading this may not even know what Michael "The Spike" Osorio looks like. Coincidently, many of you may have seen him before sometime in your life. Believe it or not, Michael "The Spike" Osorio actually modeled for a magazine when he was younger: http://www.zoobooks.com/upload/cover-images/cover-apes_tn.jpg . If that does not ring a bell, Michael "The Spike" Osorio tried making a comeback in his modeling career a few years later in this famous magazine cover: http://www.zoobooks.com/upload/cover-images/cover-apes_tn.jpg

I feel bad for a lot of people in America today. Not necessarily because of the high unemployment rates and limited access to healthcare, but because not enough people have really experienced Michael "The Spike" Osorio. Describing Michael "The Spike" Osorio's greatness in words is literally impossible, so I will not even attempt it. Here are some interesting fun facts about Michael:

-Michael has two superpowers: throwing tantrums and camoflauge (at night only).

-Michael is the only person in the world to be straight edge and drink. Ian MacKaye is amazed.

-The last time Michael went for a physical, the doctor determined that Michael has no heart. Essentially, he is heartless.

-He is known in some social circles as "Cinnamon Skin". Ask him why.

-Michael was voted as the #3 cutest vegan in the world. Technically, Michael should have been disqualified because Michael is a vegetarian now. PETA wants their award back.

In honor of such an amazing human being, I proclaim July 1st to be Michael "The Spike" Osorio Appreciation Day. To properly celebrate Michael "The Spike" Osorio appreciation day, you need to draw random ass tattoos all over your right arm. The more random and nonsensical your drawn-on tattoos are, the more Michael "The Spike" Osorio Appreciation Day spirit you have....so fire up your BBQs and throw some soyrizo on the grill, tomorrow we are making history.